I survived my miscarriage

I survived my miscarriage?

• Warning Graphic Content

As a writer I find solace in writing, it is an outlet for me when I am unable to communicate with my mouth. The words take from my heart as I begin to type.  I also feel a sense of me when I am behind the lens and take pictures. It brings me joy to self.  My great grandfather was the pioneer for our family with this skill of photography.  He set the stage. He was one of the best of his time. Well that is another blog post for another time.

While visiting California I realized I was a few days late for my period. Lately my periods have not been coming regularly. Could it be that I was starting menopause? Taking a  pregnancy test on July 3rd and it was positive. Confirming said positive result with a few more tests.  I called my husband the day I found out and we were both elated. We decided not to tell anyone right away as I miscarried twins in 2015 and we wanted to make sure that things were ok before we shared the news.

July 7th I went on a mini vacation with my parents from my vacation, such the life I live. I didn’t say anything to them because I wanted to wait a few more weeks. During the weekend I was cramping, I figured it was normal. It wasn’t anything bad. I was drinking plenty of water an occasional cherry coke and sitting down the duration of the vacation.

Saturday after I had breakfast the cramps got a bit more intense. Still not thinking anything of it.  Only after I started spotting. It was a light pink. I was away from my parents home on vacation and as much as I didn’t want to ruin their vacation. I decided to tell my mother incase I needed medical attention. As the day processed the cramps went from my left side to my right side to my whole abdomen. It didn’t matter if I was walking or laying down. I was uncomfortable and in pain.

The blood that was light pink was now bright red. I kept feeling the urgency to use the restroom I couldn’t stop urinating or so it seemed. I blamed it on the hormones, my bladder blamed it on the copious amounts of water I was drinking. In the event I wasn’t miscarrying I wanted to make sure my body was getting more than enough water for two.

The pain would subside and I would continue to drink water and take over the counter pain medication, that was like a bandaid over a wound that needed to be stitched up. I knew I was miscarrying at this point and I had no idea what to expect. I was hoping that it would be like it was last time. Spotting and then my doctor would do the D & C. I wouldn’t have to experience any pain physically just emotionally. Last time I had a D &C. I remember spotting and there was no pain, only a few hours before. I had to take medication in the morning to dilate my cervix. My doctor did the D&C after one week of no heartbeat because I was clinging to hope that maybe their machine wasn’t working and I wanted to be fully sure before doing it.

As the day turned into night I was cramping and feeling so  sick. I felt like I was in labor. Granted I was 5 weeks pregnant but it hurt A LOT. I gave birth to three boys via c-section. What I experienced was nothing like I had before. Admitting I have an already very low pain tolerance, this took the cake.

Not only was I  in pain physically. It was excruciating pain mentally as well.  Losing a pregnancy I jus found out about, how is this happening, Joy and sorrow within in a few short days. My husband was in Texas. I hurt for my husband all I wanted was to be in his arms. This was extremely hard on him as well. My husband was born to be a father and has wanted to expand our family for some time now. The glimpse of joy he had was so short lived and the sorrow was settling in. I felt like a failure.  What is wrong with me? Why can’t I keep a pregnancy this is two? It’s because I am overweight? My uterus hates me? Why can’t I give the man I love so much what he wants?

That night I kept using the restroom. Every 20 minutes during the end. Feeling like there was an urge that I had to go. Then at around 11pm on Saturday I got up from bed and felt more pain and this urgency to go was more than I felt before. Pain like I wanted my mother to call 911, pain. Being hunched over as I made my way to the restroom. Telling my  mother I was ok and to go to bed, we were sharing a hotel room if that didn’t make it all the more uncomfortable and awkward. My mother did not go to sleep. My mother went to law school not medical school. So if I needed assistance other than to call 911 she wasn’t my go to girl. But for now she was all I had, besides my friend DeEtte who is in the medical field. She was my midwife for the evening. Calling, texting, she was on call for me during the 24 hours. I felt safe knowing she was a call away, even though she was across the country.

As I sat on the toilet this last time.  I didn’t know if I needed to vomit or push. At that point it was like I dumped a pitcher of blood in the toilet. Lots of clots and things that were being passed. At this point I was crying because I was nervous and scared. At the same time It felt so good. The pain stopped and it felt wonderful to be pain free. It was the most unbelievable feeling and I can’t describe it. I felt so indifferent. I felt numb and sad but just so happy the pain had stopped.

Within minutes I panicked. Filled with anxiety of the loss. What  if’s danced and played out in my head. I felt so bad. This life that was inside me just ended. I felt sorrow for the child that just passed away. I felt a loss for the child that will never be here on earth or that I will hold. The loss of children I lost to miscarriage that I will never know while I am on earth. Sorrow filled my heart, I felt death around me and it was.

Then I was angry with myself. This is why I didn’t want anymore children. The feeling of loss hurts. It was the same feeling I had when I was pregnant in 2015.  Now in 2017 again. Vowing to never experience this ever again I let it happen. It was traumatizing. Then I remembered where I was, in a resort bathroom with my parents in the room next to me.  I didn’t want to ruin my mothers vacation more than I already did, that made me feel more guilty than ever. When it was over I said  I was fine, it was ok and I went to bed. But it really wasn’t. I really wasn’t fine. I am sure my mother wasn’t either it was equally traumatizing to her as well.

My mother was in Pre op with me two years ago as I was being prepped for my D & C in 2015. Before I had the procedure they told me by my EKG I either had a heart attack or I was having one. This was right before I was about to go under. They had the main cardiologist read the EKG again and assured me I was fine. I still filled out a directive in the event I wasn’t able to communicate for myself. It was upsetting for her and she is still traumatized by that. I am sure this time was equally upsetting. As horrible as this was, I was glad I had my mother around.

When I shared with a few people about having a miscarriage. I realized that so many women suffer alone. They don’t share. Maybe it is the feeling of guilt, or shame or they feel hopeless.  PI am sharing because when I shared with some of those brave women who shared with me.  I realized how amazing it felt to tell them. Why….because I was able to talk about it and that allowed me to grieve while sharing. They shared their stories and as sad as it was, it was also beautiful to have such a support system and not go through this alone. I am sharing because my friends told me share and write it out and be vulnerable.

It will be a week Saturday. I saw my doctor while out here in CA. I had my blood work done twice. Took the RhoGAm shot and getting my second ultrasound on Tuesday. I stopped bleeding early this week. I was really shocked at how quick this pregnancy came and went. Part of me is sad that I found out, however that is ridiculous to even say. Because I would have figured it out when it was happening and I think it would have been worse. I wouldn’t have thought I was having a period, I would have thought I was hemorrhaging and I passed my liver or something. It was insane.

My emotions are all over the place. If anything that comes from this post. I want to let women know you’re not alone. It’s not your fault and you need your tribe! Tell your friends, Family and loved ones. It was therapeutic to share and hear my friends tell me the above. Its not your fault, your feelings are real, you are emotional and that is ok, you are not alone,  you have to grieve, I am here for you, What can I do for you.

From this,  I  feel that some unresolved issues from 2 years ago were mixed in with this loss and I was able to not just compartmentalize but deal with it. I am thankful for my tribe.

Life is so precious and I am clinging to God, family and friends. I know God has a plan and I am taking it one day at a time. That is all you can do.

I am ok…I am ok…I am ok, really I am ok!